I'm still thinking a lot about animals and humans and our relationships. It's so confusing to me, how so many people (especially veternarians) put so much heart and soul into helping animals but then turn around and eat them or the "products" they produce.
I have a friend that I totally love but she's so hypocritical on this level. She claims to love animals more than anything in the world, she helps them so much, her heart is there for animals all the time BUT she eats a lot of meat, dairy and egg products. She's offended that my parents let our cats just run around in the woods. She's offended because they could get eaten by some wild animal or seriously injured. This is where our hearts are in totally different places. I could never keep my cats inside. One of them prefers to be inside most of the time but the other just ITCHES to be outside all the time. We tried to keep her indoors when she was like 1, but she just wanted soooo much to be outside and I couldn't hold her inside... Who are we to take away an animals free will for food or for our own selfish priorities? Cuz when you think about it - keeping your animals locked inside to prevent them from dying is pretty selfish. That's like not allowing your kid to get his/her drivers license cuz they could get hit by a car. Shit happens and I really hope that I never find any of my cats mutilated BUT shit happens, life happens, things die, no matter what you do to prevent their death.

I can't describe the joy my cat expresses when it becomes warm enough for her to spend her days outside... She loves to be outside at night too - which does make me nervous and I always try to keep her inside but she usually gets the best of me.
I just don't know how people can be so against listening to their animals, giving them free will. The one thing we value most ourselves, is our freedom. Wouldn't loving animals imply that you wish to give them that basic right?
I'll never understand how people can sit there and say they love animals but in the same breath - swallow a chunk of flesh that came from an animal. It's like do you love their taste or their companionship? I just don't think the two together make much sense and it IS a huge contradiction. I've come to this point where even if my health was failing me and death was close, I would not put a peice of animal anything in my mouth ever again. I'm really confident that humans can live without animal foods (we are omnivores afterall and most primates basically live off of a raw vegan diet - with the addition of insects and so little meat that it could hardly be considered the reason for their good health). If I woke up tomorrow and went to the doctors and they were like, you have to eat meat or you will die - I would flip them off and walk out the door. Actually - I have had this happen, I just knew it was a load of BS, especially because there wasn't a thing wrong with me (I was just at the doctors for a physical). I didn't flip her off - I actually wouldn't do that (except for maybe in my head) I just didn't listen to her and here I am, 8 years later and I still haven't had any kind of animal product. And for 11 years, I haven't eaten any meat.
It's funny to me too - how many of these "animal lovers" will try and convince me that I NEED to have animal foods. They come to me with all of these bogus medical "facts" (coming mostly from stupid Mercola and Weston A Price Foundation studies - which is like me quoting medical advice from PETA) about why vegans can't live vegan. It's so irritating because I know of people who are in their 50s and have had no medical problems and have been vegan since they were 19. The proof is in the puddin and people can come to me with quotes or studies but I have real life experience - something they are clueless about because they only know ONE vegan. ONE vegan that hasn't had an major medical problems other than genetic pains in the ass... (and by that, I mean gallbladder malfunction). I even treated my gallbladder issues with food, rebalanced my diet and here I am four years later, free of any pain whatsoever.

My poor hamster had to be put down yesterday. It was pretty horrible, on Sunday night he started making the most horrid noises all night long - it kept me up all night basically. So I took him to the vet and we decided it would be best for him to go. He either had heart disease (he may have had a stroke) or she said it could be a brain tumor. Of course they didn't know for sure but either way... he was in a bad way. I held him in my hands as he passed on, I'm at least glad that he wasn't alone in a weird place with weird people...
I remember a while back our other hamster died and everyone seemed to treat it like it was no big deal. "just a hamster". I decided not to work because of that death and I remember my boss was just like, "You know at 'real' jobs you wouldn't be able to miss work for that." I was just thinking to myself - yeah, well I would have told them my aunt died or something. It really pisses me off that people think that we shouldn't grieve for our pets in the same way that we grieve for human beings. When my cat dies, I think I will be more devastated than when some of my grandparents have died. I know that sounds horrible but I KNOW my cat, and I find it really hard to completely know most family members or even other human beings. Animals hide nothing - humans hide everything.
It's been hard, I keep looking at the area where his cage use to be instinctively. It's not there anymore but I keep looking in that spot, expecting to see him scrambling for food or running for his wheel. Last night, I kept hearing little noises that resembled his painful noises Sunday night. I kept hearing other noises too that resembled the noises he made when he was healthy and it just put me in a very sad state all night. I'm not sure that I slept much at all. It's not an easy decision to euthanize an animal. It never is for me anyways. Especially with rodents - they are much harder to predict. Basically the only thing we could have tried was antibiotics but when I've had rodents in the past - they would recover for maybe two days and then relapse and one of those times, my rat died a very painful looking death and I had no way to end her life in this peaceful way. The last thing I wanted was a repeat of the scenario.
The vet told me that because he was walking around like he was drunk - it probably wasn't pneumonia (which is a common way for rodents to go) - which is basically the only thing the antibiotics could have worked for.
Anyways, So I spent the night wondering about my decision... Did I do the right thing? What if? What if? Who am I to decide? Ugh!!! I envy the people who never question themselves - of course, they are usually ignorant so I guess I wouldn't change that about myself. He was almost two years old - which is a fairly long time for a hamster to live.
Today I buried him. I put him in the tin that use to hold his food (to keep meal moths out) and his chewing log, with a bunch of cotton and shavings. I burred him under a bunch of rocks because there are too many roots around here to dig a hole.

It's just so amazing how much of your life can be built in and around a little creature like this. How he can hold such a huge part of your heart and he can't even speak. He will be greatly missed. One's size does not decide one's significance.

Gender?

I've been pondering a lot lately about gender. What defines a persons sexuality? Their clothing? Their personal care products? Their smell? Their sex organs?
It's always been my common belief that the only thing that separates men and women is genes. I've heard some claim that men are stronger than women and that may be the case sometimes and maybe some of the strongest people in the world have been men BUT many women are much stronger than many men.
It just seems like everything in and around gender is superficial. I have never really connected with these things. I don't understand most of it. It reminds me of how senseless it is when people put clothing on their pets for "show". I mean, I've had friends who put jackets, sweaters etc on their dogs during the winter, when it's subzero weather and that is practical to me BUT I'm more talking about the poeple who buy booties and bibs for their dogs... That kind of crap reminds me of many "gender decisive" things in this society. Like make-up.... What does make-up do for anyone, other than create a superficial image of what society thinks someone should look like? Doesn't it create a false sense of security?
And I will NEVER understand the sense in wearing skirts, or shorts so short that if you move a certain way, someone might get a sneak peak... I've never understood why women want to have half of their chests exposed, it seems like that would be uncomfortable to me. Why don't men have half of their chests exposed? I mean, I'd rather see that but that's just my opinion ; )
I get tired of being around people who are obsessed with how they look and/or have to constantly flaunt how they look. I just don't get it. I've never expected nor wanted to look "perfect" - whatever perfect may be. I find that behavior actually very annoying. I know I've only mentioned women but men are just as guilty with trying to have this image of perfection.
Don't get me wrong - I don't think I'm ugly, I don't think I'm the hottest girl around but I DO know that I don't care about looking perfect or covering up the zit that most people probably don't care about. It's so tiresome to me - to be around people who just seem so damned petty. Worse than that is always being forced to live with and around these people. I don't think people who are obsessed with their appearences are bad people, they just annoy the piss out of me and quite frankly - they are completely boring and lack any independent personality traits of their own - at least as far as I can tell.
I've sort of had to distance myself from the world. Not because I'm depressed, not because I think everything in the world sucks but for my own self-cultivation, I have to be alone and away from these people that always seem to get into my head with their ideas of make-up and provocative clothing.
I don't get the clothing thing. My clothes are like the sheath to my sword. Sure, I can put a sheath on my sword that doesn't fit and is completely dolled up and expensive looking OR I could get the plain sheath, that fits perfectly and has durability and integrity in keeping my sword looking good. It just seems like everyone else picks the non-fitting sheath, everyone seems to pick the things that may make the sword appear beautiful at the moment but will ensure it's ruin much sooner. And for the metaphorically challenged - all this make-up, cologne, perfume, push-up bras, highHELLS, hair dyes, tanning, etc etc - all of these things lead to all kinds of cancers, back problems etc. The people who spend the most amount of money on such things (you know - not only these products but also on other things) usually spend the least amount of time worrying about their health or slowing down the aging process. Instead, they choose the immediate reward of having a fake perfect complexion and appearing taller than they are over accepting their imperfections and working towards looking great at 40 and living free of back problems and doctor appointments.
These are definitely my true views on the subject. I've been accused of actually hating people who are obsessed with how they look but that isn't the case. I just need to stay away from those people because they make me question my way of life too much and not for the better, for the worse. I don't want to be one of those skinny girls that thinks I'm fat, I don't want to be one of those girls that is OMG A ZIT! I don't want to be one of those girls that thinks my make-up and clothing holds more integrity than my brain. Everytime I have become weak and fallen into that frame of thinking it was because of the choices in people I was around. I only did those things because I could feel the pressure or they knocked me down a few pegs so I would cave in. I don't want that and to avoid that, I have to avoid those kinds of people - including the guys. The guys like this are usually the ones enabling women into objectifying themselves. One of the most superficial guys I know, who spends the most money on things to impress people with - is the one guy who told me that I would look prettier with make-up.... I wish I told him then that he'd look better with a mask on too... but I guess we all think of the best retorts a little late.